Nights like these I can't help but stay up and want to cry.
How can one apply to this life when this life just seems arbitrary and false?
The deep concealment of western pop culture deviating from what the truth is; which in the end is nothing.
Nothing is the truth. Nothing keeps me going, keeps me weak and keeps me strong.
The absurdity of an absolute is a constant threat to my well being. I believe the more I indulge in these kinds of thoughts, the more I am ripped away from the illusions made by values taught and in turn, collapsing face first into a reality I can only see. I've accepted this ambiguous reality for so long, it gets lonely in the darkness.
Once I become insecure of how I feel and think, I resort back into the illusion. I really don't give a shit about what the exterior can "reward" me.
It's even absurd of me to worry about this. To worry about the nothingness collapsing into my skull like a dying sun. I dread living yet I don't care of death. Death is winning, but you can't win easily in the game of life. Suffering seems to be inevitable and abundant. There is this inflation of suffering which leads me to believe that apathy and sympathy is the direct result of seeing someone suffer. But if everyone suffers, then no one suffers. If suffering is currency then sympathy is the product. Obviously, with more suffering comes the demand of more sympathy. Just like the economy, if there's an inflation of currency, the cost of products in demand increase with the current rate of currency. Therefore, I conclude, that no one's suffering can honestly have me sell my sympathy to them. Not an orphan, not a cancer patient, not an amputee, and not even all of those rolled into one.

Speaking of inflation: The degree is going through an inflation as well. Education is by far the most overpopulated piece of shit in this world. You want to talk about a low turn-over rate, let's talk about the education system of, not just the United States, but of the world. Every year, over 10,000 students are enrolled in a university somewhere in the U.S.. Back in the day (1970s-1990s), the old motto was, "You have a degree, you have a job waiting for you after". You could go through four years of college and a job is waiting for you because during those days, a man with a degree was uncommon and it was valued. Didn't matter what kind of degree you received (arts, bachelors, etc.), you would've had a high probability of getting a great job. However, over the years business have suddenly become bombarded with college graduates pursuing what they were promised. Like currency, Ivy League schools where the Benjamin's of college grads, and anything below that would be valued in its rightful denomination. Now comes contemporary times, where the inflation of the degree has gotten so large, that I'm hearing stories of parents having to take their $500,000 dollar invested newly graduated Ivy Leaguer back home and painstakingly watch them get rejected job after job and eventually falling pray to the PC version of Modern Warfare 2.

Reality. Sets. In.
And this why I am up tonight feeling that all of this bullshit is nothing more than an intricate way to make us all suffer in the most complex way possible. Through a system.
Humans aren't robots until we are taught to be. Stopping at a red light (which is nothing more but a light bulb behind a transparent piece of red plastic) is the 100% transformation of a human to a robot. Some of you might argue that, "IT'S FUCKING LOGICAL TO STOP AT A RIGHT LIGHT! IT'S A SYSTEM BUILT ON EFFICIENCY AND SAFETY," and to that I say: So? The only reason why you're stopping is most likely because you have a car and you don't want it to be damaged or you don't want to be fined with a ticket. But there's more to that than meets the eye. Like those who say they are stuck in traffic when really they are not. You can easily walk out of your car and thus relinquishing the idea of being "stuck" in traffic. You can leave your vehicle and walk instead. But you and most people rather not. You know why? Because when you say you are "stuck in traffic" you are really saying "I am dependent by this object of convenience, that is why I would rather suffer through traffic than to rid of comfort." Robots and machines are dependent of their master. Without the master, the machine cannot function. You are a slave to your vehicle if you are not willing to leave traffic without it. The reason why cars are so deep seated in our culture and teachings is because cars are taught to be important as a child through the state, society, and media. The glorification of the driver's license and the built in idea of freedom. But have you ever really thought of what the sacrifices are needed to have this idea of freedom? You're stopping at a red light because you don't want to either get caught by the police or get you or your vehicle damaged by on coming traffic or a pedestrian or whatever. And why is that? Because you may have a chance of losing your car or owing money to insurance, repairs and etc. Your worries are built in the idea of materialism and this taught value of the objects you deem important to your life. What kind of freedom keeps you paranoid and complacent? It sounds more like dependency and inner oppression to me than what most people define as "freedom". You are not free with a vehicle. You are a slave. You have a cop in your head. Kill him.

Anti-Google
"Your screen has ears. The screen has eyes. The screen has you"

You know you're broke when every price tag you see, it is valued as how many meals it can afford. I was at Forever 21 with Amy the other day and I noticed that every item in the store either cost two meals or three meals worth of food. It's sad to work so hard as a student to only stay broke. I'm so broke, the sheer idea of spending money induces me to drown in cold sweat. To constantly think where my next meal is going to be is a burden. That's the last thing I want to think about as I have bills to pay, a car to maintain, classes to upkeep, and a girlfriend to satisfy. I can now see why people end up going the sleazy route and try to make quick cash fast. These are some desperate times and I'm sadly willing to sacrifice much of my dignity to grab that money fast. I know I'm not the only one defeated by this idea since there's tons of students and even non-students struggling everyday to get a meal. Maybe when I have the luxury to give back I will, but in the mean time I'm stuck just trying to make a dollar stretch more than a gymnast.

Children fucking suck.

For those who don't agree, give me a more impressionable, more money wasting, more time consuming, and more energy abusing individuals than children and tweens. I say, fuck them.

Children are nothing more than leeches and all they do is replace good quality men and women. Think about it: Once a decent women is impregnated (obviously deemed indecent once impregnated, cus seriously, who loves a fat whiny complaining self endulging bitch with a another soon-to-be fat whiny complaining, self enduldging baby after nine months?), that fetus growing in her body become nothing more than a parasitic creature creating a once vacant area in her body into a habitat bound to a world full of post-pardon depression, suffering, and the urge to murder your child while he or she screams for candy in the grocery stores. But don't get me wrong, I'm pro-life; just only my life. If a baby dies, it's cus it was suppose to. They have no defensive skills at all. Think about, we have dominated the world so hard that are own spawns have become domesticated to the modern world. They no longer have any defensive abilities and that sucks! Babies are just as important to me as the invention of the DVD rewinder, completely irrelevant and stupid. Did you know the first five years of a child's life will be spent by never saying anything important? Ever! I could never hear a single word from a child's mouth for the rest of my life and nothing would change. Nothing at all! And once they start saying things that provoke thought, all they eventually do is talk shit, complain, and are completely self absorbed! They know nothing about courtesy and they don't give a shit about your day, or life, or situation, or job! All they really give a shit about is what they hand painted at school today or how the sand feels good between their toes, or how some houses are pointy and some aren't. You see how shitty and how unimportant their world is? It's useless and absurd and completely shallow. Children Suck. Bottom Line.

Especially at a time like this where the United State's economy is in a rut and California is getting slammed by its own cock of wrong-doing, people still make the same mistake when having sex: They get knocked up.

I don't get you people. Yes, YOU PEOPLE. Those who choose to have children.
Children Blow and you blow harder if you see nothing wrong with them.

Long campus draperies
why the hell are you wearing these?
these deceitful things
full of suffering and misery
but then again, it's history
the longevity of time elapsing.
so awe inspiring
even captivating
lemme leech forward like a dreary night creeper
no leopard can invoke in these things of hypocrisy
I try to convey the disarrayed lights of fantasy and thievery
but then again who can claim the name of the forsaken shame these have brought upon us.

Alan said at work today that he knows this guy in his class who's Mexican. He over heard him say,"Mexicans are fucked up. They think hard work is physical. They don't understand that education is also hard work. You reap what you sow and physical labor reaps nothing more than a peasants worth"

You know, something like that.
I'm so down today.
Just out played.
The ol' feeling of comfort I wish to embraced.
But I'm instead dreaded with paranoia and stress.
Suffering is the only time when humans learn to live and live to learn.
So maybe it isn't so bad that I feel shitty.
Maybe it isn't so bad that I can't come to the conclusion of anything in my life right now.
Maybe it isn't so bad I get pissed off cus I'm not striving for the best things for me.
When all i really want is to be stressed out and loving life. A life with a job I'm willing to sacrifice certain people and priorities for.
I want to succeed in the industry of wannabes and fakers.
I want to do work and find the right people.
Do the right things and write the right things.
And right the wrong things while writing about it.
I just want to write and type and do this all night.
I miss expressing my shitty attitude on this digital notebook.
This infinite canvas.
Let's do it again old friend and not pretend that I didn't need you.
Because I do.

California right now is fucked, using it's own ego abused penis and sodomizing itself, sincerely.
First off, Our economy is trash right now. A near 10% percent tax has been added to our goods, 33% increase in school tuition, A 10% cut to government employees that includes mandatory furlough days. Furlough is mandatory, yet temporary leave of absence from work. So I have to pay more for schooling, while teachers be paid less for teaching while everyone in California has to pay $0.10 cents more for a $0.99 cheeseburger at McDonald. How about Mc"Fuck that Shit"? Let's make it worse by already having prop 8 passed, fires all over Los Angeles, and a hurricane brewing down below in Baja California. The fires right now is so bad, it makes Swine Flu look the good side of Rihanna's face after getting beat by Chris Brown. The fires right now has been burning over a few thousand acres of land and over 11,000 people have evacuated their homes. What the fuck happened?

Rough as the exit lies.
I've had some thoughts coming to this.
A scripted line has beat me to the punch.
It explains the jist of the feeling i'm going through.
LIFE.

Maybe LIFE can just bring it all away.
Suck you back into another haze.
Maybe It's the cure to redundancy. I grow up.
Life can break relationships and mend new ones.
The challenge lies in the one who's living.

It happens, but not often. But when it does occur, I dream of Tanya Manifold. It's not like me to think of other women and when I do, it's not a big deal to me nor my girlfriend. These dreams are normal if I were single, in high school, and fueled with hopeless romance that's brimming from the lid. I am not either of those however and yet, when I have a dream of Tanya, it's my centerpiece for the whole dream. It's a sweet dream, and never a nightmare. We are either having a good time, or ready to have sex. Nothing's wrong with any of that except for when I wake up, I wish I hadn't. I don't know.

Maybe it's because she is that girl that I wish I had something with when I was back in high school.
Even during college, after she moved, I visited her and wanted something. ANYTHING. Friendship even.
But that didn't last long. She's not great of a friend. She doesn't have a great personality that fits me. She's gorgeous, and sweet and kind. But she's also shallow and vapid. Not a dream girl of any kind and yet, I dream of her. She's not really clever nor witty nor talkative nor spiritual. She seems boring and normal internally and I wish she wasn't. I wish she was more alive and well and supportive of her inside than her outer appearance. Her grace and comfort of being beautiful.

I dream of this girl named Tanya Manifold and I know we have nothing in common.

Existentialism. GET WITH IT.

One of the most complex and abstract of philosophical studies. The Mind Fucker. As much as a describe it, objectifying it with my compliments, it is what it is; EXISTENTIALISM.

The idea of freedom through nothingness...
Existence proceeds essence...
The idea of Bad Faith
of the look
of the ethics of ambiguity
of the second sex

what a mind fuck.

Dear creationist student who sits behind me in Bio.
Cut your shit.
I suck at biology like the next mediocre student, but at least I don't sink low enough to call myself a creationist and blow off the professor's time and commitment lecturing.

Your psuedo-intellectual theistic questions blow harder than an A-list prostitute on Craig's List. It's like rape in my ears when you bring up words like: intelligent design or phrases like: It's just a theory.
I hate that the most. "IT'S JUST A THEORY"

Let me tell you something, theories don't last very long without strong evidence to support the theory's claim. Like if I claimed that homosexuals like to abort babies solely to eat them with hot sauce then I would need an efficient amount of evidence supporting my claim. However, due to a lack of evidence the theory becomes less and less credible.

The fact that the theory of evolution is challenged on a daily basis yet stays consistent with its conclusions permit it to be a highly credible theory. It is so highly credible, it is being taught in public schools across the nation, thousands of books have been published due to the success of this theory and many scientific advances have been made and understandings of the natural world have been explained. However, you can't seem to let go of Stupid plaguing your existence. It's a sad affair, because I know you will enrich your friends with a fortified amount of your idiot juice, drowning and smiling all at the same time. Just kidding, you don't have friends.

But of course, I can't tell her to shut the fuck up in class. What am I but a mediocre student right? Because even though there are inept individuals like you in a biology class open for discussion, you will always have your right to banter your bullshit. But unlike you, I can at least manage to understand the course material without having my "religion" get in the way of it, you crazy bitch.

Dear America's News Team,
Enough with the torture bullshit.
It's sounding a lot worse now, especially since i've read a title stating, "America: Torture Nation"
When did an entire country becoming torture enthusiasts? Last time I checked, I'm still against it. Why is the media claiming otherwise? Just because less than 1% of the entire population believe it's okay to use these torture techniques doesn't mean an entire nation agrees too. Representation for this country blows harder than an A-list prostitute bought via Craig's List. I know myself more than America's bullshit media machines, and I don't want nations from around the world thinking I like to rape the shit out of suspected female terrorists and break the neck of puppies before every meal. Real torture is being exposed to babbling propaganda banter through media outlets as they squirt a drowning amount of over saturated homogenized content they call the news every hour on the hour everyday of the week. It'll always contain the same news they considered worthy of beating us over the fucking head with. The news is becoming like mainstream radio: The more I get into it, the less I want to be a part of it. But since this stupid news segment plaguing the entire nation with habits of torture, I can honestly say that I am entirely pissed.
So with all my intent, Mainstream Media can fucking blow me!

i dont think i'll ever want kids.
learning existentialism, listening to tom lykus, reading Watchmen, and listening to the AM radio news, I have concluded that having a child is a disadvantage to me, my child, and society.

through the education of existentialism, i have learned that through the eyes of a pure individual, life has no meaning, no values, nor virtue, and everything is non-existent. UNLESS you make it so.
We live in a world of despair, where nothing is forever and the temporal is complex and ever changing. To truly be an individual is to be self.
I remember in 7th grade, I told Rachel Lee Thai...or Pauline Tran that I am not an individual. Just a person conglomerated with other's influences, ideas, and teachings. I am not my true self for I have not found my true self.
and now, 7 years later, I don't know what "self" even means anymore.
who can figure what "self" is? self is you but you're not yourself. You are the experiences and the cause from the effects of the past. YOU are not an individual, but an echo of life lessons and sortings, trying to systematically figure out the present using the knowledge of the past to increase your probablity of a temporal happiness that'll go away. The process continues.
What is the present? You are not your past, because it already happened, and you are not your future because it hasn't happened yet.
To be a true individual, everything and everyone's comments, opinions, and advice is nothing but alienation. It's all subjective truths and statements. Nothing from their mouth has anything objective to input. Why would I bring my child into a world that no one can understand?
why would I take a chance/risk of my child being misunderstood by a society who doesn't appreciate individual thought and promotes unity and sameness instead? it violates myself to even think that way. Here I am, throwing a child into a world with no meaning and no objective value and having to fend for himself and try to explain to him that "this" is life and "this" is how you do it.
and the day he asks me, "who says so?"
I'll feel ashamed and stupid and let him know that I don't even know.
what makes absolute values? the only thing absolute in life is birth, aging, and death. that's all he'll objectively ever know. religion doesn't answer anything consistently, and science tries to explain natural causes of life through systematic processes that doesn't explain the meaning of it all. so philosophically, having a child is a disadvantage. I would never throw someone in the middle of a freeway, and therefore, i would never want to throw a child in a world that's out to get him.

socially, having a child bears more negative fluxes in my life than anything possible.
I will have to nurture and invest money into a kid who has a better chance being a fuck-up, someone mediocre, or a another statistic of some kid who o.d'ed on drugs, became a gang member and got shot, or died in a car accident then ever being successful. first off, I have to tolerate some little fucker for 18 years of my life MINIMUM with no garauntee that the kid will even like me in the end. And if 18 year isn't the minimum, i have to watch him to go college and make sure he doesn't die then either. and let's say i do marry and a divorce occur (knowing that in the state of California, the divorce rate is 2/3 married couples), my bitch ex-wife will have the kids custody and i end up paying child support for 18 years. 18 years! I'm only 19 now, i can't imagine shaving off $350 dollars for 216 months per kid!
fuck that! the state is against me because i can rock a boner. that's some sexist bullshit that the government has activated on us men.

and let's say i do have this kid, he's gonna have to go through life with pressures of society. I remember the feeling of embarressment when i didn't have the coolest action figure or was still wearing tighty whiteys back in middle school. the thought of feeling comfortable in a supposedly ethical environment takes more of someone's individual freedom than actually giving them one. not saying that my child will go through the same experience as my own, and not saying that everyone's general phases in life is the same throughout all of humanity. what I am saying is, why would i risk it? why would i have my child have to feel guilty because he doesn't own the best or the coolest thing that'll materialistcally make him stand out? why do i have to tolerate a kid who'll scream in the grocery stores, throw tantrums when i tell him to clean his room, piss and shit everywhere without a diaper, and watch him try to defy me: the father who invests his time to see a kid overreact when i tell him he can't go out tonight cus he has school tomorrow?

I see young parents everyday and i witness how young they are and how horrible their life and their kid's life will be. and then i thought to myself: if i were to help bring a child into this life, my kid has to live with all these other fucking kids with their stupid ass parents and make sure my kid doesn't hang with the wrong crowd. why do i have to worry about that? well i won't cus i wont' have a kid.

it doesn't resolve my life to have one.
many say that having a kid will help your lineage keep going.
i say: FUCK THAT! so i'm gonna stress out, lose money, waste time, and grow old and out of shape just so i can uphold my "lineage" and help grow my FAMILY TREE? no.
i already have siblings who'll do that and i have cousins who'll eventually have kids and so on and so forth. I don't need to volunteer my time to expand our family tree.

i dont need kids.
i rather be a father figure than a father.
i would rather teach someone who i don't owe much to, than to try and teach someone who just sees me as uncool or "doesn't know what he's talking about".

so yeh.
what's the point in being a father again?
or a mother?
or having kids?
what's the upside?
anyone know?
anyone REALLY know? objectively?

I;m hit with anxiety and despair.
"I'm trying hard and I don't want to have this conversation again," as her tears become clearer in the bright night sky with clouds gray in the moonlight.
I stand there, "then goodnight."
I walked back inside the house not looking to see if she's okay.
I usually do and I guess that's my problem because I don't anymore.
I haven't been recently. The independent routine called for me to just be more updated with myself.
she wasn't who i thought I wanted? i don't know.
maybe it just takes time.
even though i'm impatiently waiting.
its absurd i know, but i just can't wait for her in the way everyone expects me to.
I'm human too.
this abundant amount of physical confrontation into my daily life has been nothing but truly exhausting in some extent.
I can't seem to just enjoy myself with you there constantly. I've been trying to fight the urge to have a break so i can have time to myself.
i know you just moved here, but goddamnit! it's hard to commit when you're there all the time. i have nothing to prove, and i have nothing to look foreward to.
i want to WANT you. I don't want to just see you as assesable and available anytime. it's just such a turn off and i know you're not trying to be that person.
but it has concluded that you have been for a while now, become that person.
I don't want to dread you. I want to maintain our comitted relationship, but it's difficult at the moment and i'm sorry if i'm wearing these emotions on my sleeve.
I don't want to lie to you, and at the same time i don't want to burst your bubble and hurt your feelings. I can't keep it sugarcoated and i like to be direct and blunt sometimes.
It's been hard these months you were here.
you've needed me so much and i've tried to be there as much as i can.
I don't ask for much.
just for some time alone.
I'm not settled.
I'm still a student and i'm still broke.
i can't have this relationship where you have this idea that we're okay.
cus we can't be right now
and i can't be bogged down with a relationship.
i wanted this relationship to be about two independant people forming time together.
not two co-dependent individuals who can't live and have a good time without the other.
I dont' wanna be connected to the hip.
I don't want to persist as the unit that is like "bradgelna" or whatever fucking stupid celebrity relationship bullshit is.
i dont wanna be known as that couple.
i want to be known as myself being in a relationship with you.
not a "Mattamy" fusion.
ugh.
i'm just so tired of it right now.
it's been bugging
and i've become restless.
honestly, if i don't have time to miss you, this relationship will turn in curves that'll have opportunities to derail this conjunction into something we don't want tumbling down a mountain side.
give me space.
i love you but give me space.

if there is one moment to just really hate my life.
it'll be right now.
12:45 am on a wednesday night.
i won't hate it tomorrow.
I didn't hate it throughout the whole day.
just right now until I sleep.
this is complete bullshit.
as much as i love it, i sometimes deserve a little more.

I want my ALONE time again.

i have nothing to write.
I've had nothing to write in a long time.
I've always just went back and re-read what I wrote when I was lonely.
Or truly upset.
or Dissapointed.
Or just negative.

I have nothing to write.
Nothing inspires me right now.
I'm not officially mad at anything specific.
I can't stay on topic if I WANT to write something.
Why does happiness and a "good place" stop me from writing something great?
or maybe i'm not digging deep enough?
maybe my core is just deeper than usual?
maybe I'm just thinking too much?
But then again, when i think too much, i usually have something I'm able to write about.
This is bullshit.

Stable life = boring mind.

Have you seen those Terrorizing bunch?
with their LV and their stunner shades
Their Nikes and their Addidas.
Their limited edition gold plated vans with art painted by some pompous underground graffiti artist by the name of an obscure philosopher spelled backwards costing them 400 bills and a left testicle?
Yes. Those terrorizing bunch.
With 80 dollar t-shirts shit stained by some self-inspired narcissist creating some underground indie bullshit noise that all his dick riding terrorizers fiend off of.

Hipsters.
Scenesters.
Hypebeasts.

Fuck all of you.
Fuck your nike dunks collection
Fuck your MTV viewing pleasures
Fuck your jabawockeez infatuation as you spew your man juice all over their mear existence

fuck me.
stupid fucking me.
whatever.
just!
whatevr.
fuck me.
and fuck you.

hipsters.
scensters.
fuck you.
you're incessant badgering about yourself.
the way you act too cool about not caring for anything.
Blow your fucking load you dick riders.
Sick of all of you.
With your "I'm gonna start it" trend.
No one likes your bullshit ideas.
Your have eaten croissant and that psuedo-latte you got at that indie-possessed coffee house.
Did I mention, fuck you?
You're the wrong turn to alternative.
You're that road taken by shit chucking apes who bed wet themselves to sleep listening to that Pop-Grunge-Indie-Rap bullshit and jerk off to stilleto heels and oversize bandannas.
Fuck your shit. I'm heading to bed.
Fuck you.
You assholes.

It's fucking sick to see society with a gimp.
half walking with a limp, mentality like a chimp.

Alas I have ripped a cord.
My final straw of redeeming feat.
I fucking suck at this.
My multiplying applying appliances of applicable applications apprehend my aptitude to appreciate my appetite for approving appropriate priorities.
This ripped fringe sends stinging sins in my thin elbow-chins on the brim of my skinny stems of so called gams and gems.
This lickity cold split of ripped partially nipped parcels of particular particles punctures the punctual punctuation and punched properties of my prying head of dead pan pistol whipped pickle snippets of the poorly prepared production.
Can this candid nonsense of conclusions and concussed companies ever folding in concoctions conjuring conjectures for calamities of ram skulls and rums and Gs. and Foreelsy
Ugh. I need to do my work
outsy.
foreealsy

I will poop on you.
I will rain my poop during a cold winters night on you.
So cold, my poop will clump up in the heavens and become a hail of my poop.
I will cover everything you eat with my poop
If you flip the top bun of your burger to add ketchup, there will be a smear of my poop on top of the meat patty.
If you're vegetarian, on top of your tofu patty.
Even that ketchup packet will be filled with my poop.
If you split open an oreo, you will find poop between the cookies, not cream.
If you crack open a peanut, you will not find a shell-less peanut, but instead, my poop.
I will dry my poop and stone you with my poop until you're dead.
I will fracture your skull and leave you concussed with my poop.
I will suffocate you with my poop.
You will die from breathing so much of my poop spores.
My poop's spore's will poop on you.
When you're about to die from my poop, you won't have your life flash before your eyes, you have my poop flash before your eyes instead.
I have so much poop to kill you with, even Triumph the insult comic dog is covered in my poop.
When you look inside your wallet, you will find poop instead of money.
When you squeeze your toothpaste bottle, my poop comes out.
That's not chocolate milk.
That burning bag on your door step is the least of your worries because between your fingernails lay chunk of my poop.
That thing you're trying to get between your teeth with your tongue is my poop.
By the way, that burning bag is filled with my poop.
Everytime you smoke weed, it will be laced with the derivitives from my poop.
My poop is what's getting you high, and getting you shit breath.
My poop will leave you paranoid.
My poop took a picture of you drunk.
When your parents divorced, it was because my poop got in the way.
My poop rules your life.
And I will poop on you.
My poop died three years after you did and still got into heaven first.
My poop spits on your children and laughs at how big their ears are.
My poop pwns.
You?
Don't pwn.